Dec 9 2014

Santa Claus and Other Make Believe

We all looked to the sky and spotted the faint streams of red light as the chilled air blushed our cheeks. “It’s Santa flying away in his sleigh,” one of the girls declared and the others chimed in with their own declaration they saw it too. The excitement was contagious even with the suspicions the jolly fellow may have been an uncle dressed in the traditional fluffy suit.

My childhood best friend’s birthday fell in December, naturally there seemed to always be a Christmas theme. After the holiday ornament making and cake tasting, Santa Claus arrived to deliver candy canes and listen to each girl’s present requests. Once Santa left the house there became an urgency to determine his authenticity and spy on him, five and six-year-old girls in party dresses and ribbons, raced down the steps and out the front door to the driveway. Half expecting to see a middle-aged man ripping off a beard getting into a beat-up old Chevy, I was utterly confused by the lights in the sky and reaction from the spectators.

In my home there was no truth to Santa Claus, he was as fictional as The Cat In The Hat. Don’t get me wrong, we still had Christmas. The “magic” of Christmas came in the form of everything else; cookies, cocoa, lights, snowman making, present wrapping, singing carols, holiday crafts, tree decorating, holiday greetings in the mail and being together with family. We all loved the Christmas season without the belief of a mystical man breaking in through the chimney to fill our stockings and snack on our cookies. It wasn’t because Mom and Dad felt a burning desire to secure our safety and avoid stranger danger, for fear we would habitually approach old men in white beards. And it wasn’t with the mentality to make sure we knew they worked hard to provide instead of giving credit to this imaginary creature. My parents, especially my dad, made the decision not to fuel the story of Saint Nicholas in the spirit of honesty. They simply didn’t want to lie to us.

Their intentions were in a good place, except every other pupil in my early elementary school class did have parents who made them believe in Santa Claus. Kids behaved because parents had warned not to get on the naughty list. The man, the myth was reality for my classmates and I my naïve mind could not comprehend how it was true for them and not for me. I began thinking Santa must be visiting everyone else’s house but mine. It didn’t make any sense when my reality didn’t match those around me. When my curiosity about this discrepancy reached a bursting point I took my concerns to my parents. My dad, the always logical man, attempted to reason the explanation beyond what I could comprehend at the time. He asked me to question how it could even be possible for a single person to travel to every home around the world in one day. Still trying to conform my thoughts to the popular opinion of my classmates, I tried to justify it and sometimes tried to believe in Santa Claus even if just to fit in.

At varying points of age, all children learn the truth of Santa Claus and only then do they notice the signs were everywhere all along. My disorientation from reality was relieved when fellow students and friends gained their own insight. Truth isn’t always an easy adjustment to make, I know for many kids it was nights of crying themselves to sleep to know their beliefs were a lie. I suspect too, each of those kids assimilated to finding a new happiness in the Christmas season.

When looking back on my early childhood conflict between what I knew to be true and what my peers saw as real, I now know the word for it. Cognitive dissonance is the term to label the feeling of stress when two contradictory beliefs are co-occuring. It is a theory which has long been studied in psychology to recognize the emotional discomfort humans experience when facts counter beliefs. The parallel to my Santa experience and today’s American culture is tragically obvious. While Santa Claus is no longer part of the belief, many Americans do hold true to a context of society which is not reality based and does not align with the facts. Except it’s not parents telling us how to think, and it’s not Santa Claus we are told to believe in. Citizens respect and accept the framework created by mass media, many place full trust in getting an accurate story about the most relevant news stories. Dedicated viewers, intending to be well-informed, are guided how to think based on what is shown and more importantly what is omitted. Most American’s don’t question their disillusion since it correlates with the popular opinion (much like I did with my classmates), even when confronted with details not supported in the “official” story. The believers see America as being free and equal, they believe the American Dream is real and everyone has the same fair opportunity to achieve it. I’d like to share this as a reality, except unlike my confusion about Santa, I can see through the present fiction.

In the last few weeks I have been absorbed with the turmoil in our country; viewing news programs, livestreams, monitoring social media and reading articles. It’s been thrilling to watch the response of countless people demonstrating their frustration with the justice system, with racial disparity and with police militarization. The variety of people aware and being active ranges to include all ages, religions, ethnicities and socio-economic status. People who know and recognize the devastating effects felt from inequality and invasion of rights. Across the country people have taken to social media to express their frustration, walked out of work and school in unison across the nation, held their hands up to political figures, boycotted Black Friday and taken to the streets. Highways, bridges, train stations, malls and major intersections have been shut down by marches, attempting to bring attention to those distracted by the illusion of justice being served.

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The activists across the country have overall been peaceful, despite the attention being placed on rioting and fires, coincidently a great focal point for the news to reinforce fear. Watching these demonstrations happenings in every major city, some erupting spontaneously, typically with few arrests and no violence inspires my hope for progress. My optimism rapidly deflates when I hear the media influenced comments like “He deserved it,” or “They’re just burning up their own neighborhoods with those riots,” the ignorant statements like “There’s not really racial disparity,” or “I haven’t heard about what’s happening,” and the actively avoiding “I have better things to worry about,” or “I’m sick of hearing about…”

Now the number of believers inconvenienced by protests are growing rapidly, their cognitive dissonance escalating too. It is impossible to ignore the passion and effort people have for a cause when they take to the streets facing ridicule and risking arrest to voice the societal emergency being ignored. Believers have to confront the idea of some truth to this if so many people are screaming to pay attention. Believers begin feeling more and more uncomfortable when faced with facts opposed to their American truth.

They defend their belief’s against statistics spelling out the value of profit over people in the prison system, the undeniable fact America has 5% of the world’s population and incarcerated 25% of the world’s prison population. They find ways to justify how black men are arrested at least 2 to 5 times more frequently than white men for drug charges despite similar rates of use. Believers ignore the fact 1 in 15 black men are behind bars, equating to more locked up and on parole in our country today than were slaves in 1850. Believers have never had to experience trying to get a job after jail or had their rights to vote removed. And they fail to connect poor education, fatherless children, and minimum wage positions which don’t support the cost of living with being ways to prevent criminal activity. Instead believers blame the oppressed class and label them as lazy leaches of the system, denying the truth the system was created to do exactly this. Americans are left squabbling about who is to blame while corporate America runs off with the profits and stay protected by the government. For believer’s maintaining their comfortable life, they are aware of bailouts and corporate tax exceptions, yet they hang onto the idea if you work hard you are rewarded.

Believers find ways to excuse criminal acts by police officers often blasting the inherent worth of the victim as a person, forgetting we all make mistakes and ignoring accountability for the murder completely. Even in the case of Eric Garner where the technique used was banned, it was determined a homicide and the whole incident was caught on video. “Every time you see me, you want to mess with me. I’m tired of it. It stops today,” Garner said before being choked to death. He was unarmed and committed no crime when he was accosted by the police. He resisted, like Rosa Parks, tired of being black in America.

Comply with the police – IT’S THE LAW!!

Believers say comply with police, it’s the law, except they don’t live the reality of being harassed. They don’t know the experience of being targeted simply based on appearance. #crimingwhilewhite and #alivewhileblack were two trends on Twitter this month. Hilariously tragic when confronted by thousands of tweets illustrating how white Americans have literally gotten away with crimes or had minimal consequences, while black Americans are targeted by police on a regular basis doing nothing wrong. One might say “You can’t believe everything on the internet, people can just make up things on Twitter.” True yes, and still of the thousands of messages to consider this trend just imagined is complete denial of the problem. Judgements on each side of the argument are defeating, not all police officers are bad, not all black people are criminals and not all white people are racist.

The marches happening in cities across the country are both inspiring and worrisome to me. Thousands of brave individuals have banded together to draw more attention to the average American believer, and they are met with armies of officers intending to absorb any positive effect created. The police force is frightening with tanks, riot gear, rubber bullets, tear gas and other military crowd control weapons like LRAD (Long Range Acoustic Device/sound canon.) Believers see the militarized police force as crucial for safety, since they have been conditioned to fear people and want to maintain their comfortable routines. They cannot imagine the dedication to a cause it takes to gather peacefully and have to face this

Boston Police State April 19, 2013

violent army. Isn’t it astonishing how there are budget cuts in every government service to help people, yet there always seems to be money for war or to spend on police equipment when anticipating a protest? Believers would prefer tanks down their streets and swat teams surrounding their homes to provide the illusion of safety. I wonder how residents of Boston felt, in April 2013, when they were removed from their homes at gunpoint in the hunt for a teenager?

Trying to communicate rationally and educate about facts is often met with justifying the need to fear people, the need to place blame and the need to continue the militarized police strength. Americans blindly give faith in their government officials to fix it. They are convinced their values have to fit in either red or blue, conservative or liberal and stand by their identity. Separation tolerated more blame and ignites arguments. Being a non-believer, I cannot comprehend how 2 opinions fairly encompasses the views and needs of over 300,000,000 people. Especially when those in power on both sides, are serving corporations and promoting the rich to get richer. Americans feel the cognitive dissonance, wanting to pretend everything is fine, we are free and our democracy works; also recognizing the status quo cannot sustain us. Constitutional rights and human rights are being violated in an effort to support a broken system. The problem with admitting the belief is over and it’s time for a change evokes fear. How do we give up how things are without knowing what is to come?

I know there is happiness in Christmas after Santa Claus. I also know the believer’s reality where the police are given the power to use against people is a scary future for everyone. The people don’t have to agree on how America will look in the years to come, there just has to be a united agreement this has to change.

Nov 13 2014

The Vacuum of Vacuums

I wish I were talking about the greatest vacuum in the world, the most reliable engineered home-cleaning system. Sadly, I’m talking about my home literally sucking the life out of vacuum cleaners.

The day we brought my daughter home from the hospital my husband went to purchase a new vacuum cleaner. Funny to think I remember it so clearly, maybe it was because he felt the urgency for a momentary escape from the emotional magnitude of bringing home a baby. Maybe it was feeling like we needed an exceptionally clean start for the new precious being. Or maybe it was an errand he could contribute because this new tiny creature was infinitely latched to my boobs.

I can’t even think of what we had been using prior to the new vacuum, probably a hand-me-down appliance like most others throughout our home. I do know, the purchase began our spiral of irreparable cleaning apparatuses. Thankfully, since the purchase was made at Costco we have been able to lug in our dusty useless equipment, no box and no receipt and walk out with a fresh start. Over the years we have seen the same model in a variety of colors and minimal improvements, at no cost except the gas and time it takes to make the transaction. In the last four years we have had a revolving door of vacuums making this exchange at least once and sometimes twice per year.

One might think a consumer is being too hard on the vacuum, how could it really break that often? Our square footage of carpet isn’t even too great in our little home, a few rugs, two carpeted bedrooms and one living space. Regular usage to rid our home of shed dog hair, kid messes and typical traffic, I don’t think it’s more than an average home. And I certainly haven’t dropped it down the stairs, thrown objects at it or beaten it in any way – at least thoughts of raging on the machines don’t cause physical harm. People say things aren’t made like they used to be and claim the investment is worth it for a machine from the door to door variety. Then again, I’d hate to think of my home sucking the life out of antique or ultra expensive vacuum, a risk I’m not willing to take as long as they keep taking broken ones at Costco.

Still, it doesn’t take long in our home to go from “just out of the box” condition to slowly loosing it’s suction. A vacuuming job quickly ends up sucking time out of my day to take bits of it apart, cleaning it and cutting out threads and hairs trying to get back to working condition. When a recent exchange failed in less than three months, I borrowed a spare vacuum my mom had in her home. All I could do was laugh when the whole upper half of the machine came off with the mere pull of the handle, of course in my home the Vacuum of Vacuums.

And last week I had the time to do one of my favorite floor cleaning rituals… Steam cleaning rugs. I poured the appropriate measurements of solution and water into the machine, plenty of which made it evenly dispersed onto the rugs. Very little of it ended up suctioned back into the steam cleaner, and it was only its second use. Out of the time it took me to steam clean the rugs, most it was sucked into squatting on the floor trying to find out why it wasn’t sucking.

Yesterday I made the official return to Costco (again) and this time opted to upgrade to the more expensive model vacuum. I’ll try to stay optimistic and believe it will become my faithful tool, my companion for cleaning for decades. Let’s hope the shark will not fall victim to the Vacuum of Vacuums or our only choice will be to move to a home with no carpet.

Aug 11 2014

The Best Monday

A typical Monday usually starts with hitting snooze. Lately, by the time the alarm sounds, I have already been alert and consciously dreading the days events ahead. Mentally trying to psych myself up to conquer the world. My mind looms over the tasks of the day, appointments scheduled, people to contact, issues to deal with and the limitless amount of illogical distractions associated with middle management. I hit snooze again and sometimes even a third time doing the exact opposite of what I encourage others to do and stress over all the improbable situations that may potentially go wrong.

With my body aching, partially due to not taking care of myself physically and also from the toll my emotions has taken on my body, I roll out of bed and begin a hurried preparation for the day. I stand in front of my closet aimlessly waiting for pants and a coordinating top to leap off the hanger, inevitably I settle on an outfit and sluggishly shower and dress. My hair and make-up routine go quick and end with a “Well, good enough,” attitude because my mind is already consumed with imaginary conversations I will have to have later at work today.

The best part of my mornings are rousing my sleeping beauty for her day at pre-school. Amazingly the child who always pops out of bed ready to play in the mornings every Saturday and Sunday chooses Mondays to try to sleep in. We rush to get dressed. This can be taxing for a four year old who wants to express her own independence and pick out an outrageous wardrobe or one which doesn’t suit the weather and can easily spur an early morning tantrum. Breakfast in itself can even cause frustration when the oatmeal is too hot, the milk spilled from the cereal or she only wants bacon when there is no bacon. As she is headed out the door with Daddy there can be up to four times we have to stop for something else forgotten… The share box, the water bottle, a sleep sack, the leotard for ballet class today, oh and don’t forget the folder…

Today has been different. This morning I woke up refreshed and not stressed about what lies ahead in a department I am responsible for and yet have no control over. This morning I was free of the dreaded conversations, problems and people who had previously consumed my life. This Monday I was able to be excited about the projects and organizing I have neglected in my house for eleven months. Today I was able to be the first instead of the last to pick my daughter up from school and cherish a mid-afternoon dance off. This afternoon I was able to grocery shop earlier than 5:00 when we typically battle a child’s growing dinner appetite, and instead thoughtfully plan out some weekday dinner meals I will actually have time to prepare. Today I was able to write a blog post, something I haven’t done since I started working full time last fall.

I took a leap of faith last week and quit my job. It was not planned nor was it a method I would have chosen. I quickly came to realize despite the stress, my dedication to the position, to the team and the community I was working with; the corporation did not appreciate my advocacy or questions and it was best we parted ways. The uncertainty of what it means to be unemployed in society at this time is concerning and I am optimistic about how my path lead me to this and I know my purpose will be fulfilled elsewhere. So I can happily say, this is the best Monday I have had in a long time.

Sep 26 2013

Daycare Nightmare to New School Padebure

“Mommy whatcha talken bout?” Parker inquired about the phone call I had just ended. The closer we approach the age of three, the questions have tripled. No matter how complete and thorough an answer might be it will always be followed with another ‘why’. My latest tactic has been to return the questions to her and insist she tell me what she thinks. Sometimes this is effective and sometimes it prompts her to change the subject.

“That was Mommy’s new boss, I’m going to start a new job.” I began to explain expecting to have to expand a lot more on what this means. It’s been almost three years since I have been employed at a full-time job, and I have appreciated getting to be home with Parker as much as possible. It was a deeply personal choice for me to be there in the early years, to feel responsible for her development and to know she was protected before she could talk. The idea of returning to work carries a lot of excitement for independence, professional building, and real regular adult conversation. Of course with it comes the anxiety of change, of missing important moments, and of not getting to be present to have fun with her all day.

After a short pause, out came her reply without any question. “Don’t leave me mom,” She said with the raw honest emotion we both share. I wanted to cave, say I agree, and retract my acceptance immediately. My convincing her it would be fun to go to school, to meet new friends and it’d be okay to be away from Mommy helped to mask my nerves.

We found Parker a nationally accredited child care center in a location close to my parent’s house for the days my mom might need to pick her up. During our tour of the facility Parker got to join in on watching a puppet show and demonstrated no concern about being with strangers or the classroom. Still apprehensive about the life adjustments Parker and I were about the embrace, my husband and I felt confident in the choice to start her there the following week.

Prepared with a new Hello Kitty backpack, curly Qs in pony tails and excited about her first day of school we cracked the door to the Bumble Bee classroom. An overwhelming aroma of left over processed food breakfast hit my nose just after the screaming from the child hanging off the assistant teacher’s leg stung my ears. Kids were all over the room digging in papers, pulling things from cubbies, and dumping out toy bins. If anything would have been hung from the ceiling I am sure there would have been kids climbing it. Disturbed by the vision so starkly contrasted from our tour just days ago and not wanting to feed into my fears, we slipped in and followed the teacher to where Parker’s cubby would be to hang her things. I knew Parker’s shock must have subsided quickly since she was off to the other side of the room to play before she even said goodbye.

I did, as most parents do when they drop their child off at a center for the first time, left the room and cried.

My husband and I both called to check in on her the first day. He called the following three days as well. Each time we were told everything is fine, she was getting along well, and each day seemed better than the previous. My first day getting to pick up Parker I fully expected a running happy hug, instead the whole first week every time I walked in she stopped what she was doing and began to melt down. It was as if the stress of the day had built up and she was crying from relief I was back for her. Parker continued the sour emotional state through the evening too, she was not napping in her new environment so by the end of the day the screaming fits and mood swings were taking a toll on me. This is temporary, she will adjust, I will adjust and it will be fine, other people do this all the time I kept being told.

After the first week there seemed to be improvements. Parker did successfully sleep for 45 minutes one day. She verbalized happiness to Daddy about returning to the center when he was dropping her off one morning. And the meltdown greetings stopped, I was finally seeing a smiling, excited child at the end of the day. For me, there never came a feeling of being adjusted or knowing it would be okay. Because while some things were getting better, her first month in this new arrangement she grew increasingly defiant, wild and aggressive at home. In addition, my newly potty trained child started having accidents twice a day. At first I reasoned maybe some of this extra defiance was related to her age and we would just have to increase our structure and consistency at home. Then when she turned to biting and pulling hair for not getting her way, I knew there had to be more going on.

One afternoon when I went to pick up Parker she happened to be on the playground with half of her class and one part-time teenage staff member who was minimally supervising the three-year olds. Once she

On a weekend trip to Minnesota, PJ demonstrated the worst behavior in public she has ever had. Trips are always hard with a lack of sleep, on this trip even a butterfly would make her cry. A family brunch with 5 timeouts required made me want to cry too.

finally noticed me standing there, she stood up from her hidden spot and greeted me. I told her about Parker’s recent aggression at home and asked the employee about aggression taking place in her classroom. It’s what I dreaded most about putting my daughter in a setting where I am not present, angered at the thought of anyone putting a hand on my daughter even if it is a peer. The inexperienced employee gave me an honest and dissatisfactory answer, explaining if a child aggresses and leaves a mark on another child both parents will be notified. The key phrase which said it all was when it leaves a mark, knowing staff at the facility will avoid an incident report if there is no physical evidence. Just behind our conversation I had to point out the child crying who had just been hit on the head by another child, before taking my daughter’s hand to walk out.

It was incredibly difficult to return the next day with no back up option. I didn’t know for sure if my daughter had been aggressed on by a peer at the child care center, I knew at minimum she was witnessing it and bringing it home. My husband and others tried to reassure me by saying it happens everywhere and she will have to get used to it. This was no reassurance to me, in my mind it is unacceptable to happen anywhere and if aggression does happen it needs to be addressed in a way which will deter the behavior from continuing. For a child who has never witnessed violence, hadn’t been pushed or hit, the bullying Parker saw was impacting her a lot. The obvious lack of structure and discipline in the room was also providing for negative learning opportunities.

Through word of mouth I began hearing the new agency I started with also operates a Montessori school offering half price tuition for employees. With some concern about whether making a transition would be harmful for Parker and not wanting to base the decision entirely on cost, we decided to tour the Montessori School. In Montessori Schools the learning is at your own pace so children engage in activities at their level and ages in classrooms are all integrated to provide for peer role models. This school offers extracurricular activities like ballet, soccer and spanish. The environment of the rooms are quiet and calm, the kids wear slippers and practice family style dining of passing the food and trying everything. There is life skills learning, books being read and flowers in vases as centerpieces on their tiny tables. My husband and I left the tour separately as he had to rush off to an appointment. When he called later to say he wanted Parker to go there I had a secret celebratory dance.

We gave a thirty-day notice at the child care center, she only attended another week. On her last day she didn’t come home with the Hello Kitty backpack or pillow, and calls to locate them were unsuccessful. Parker got a one week break from school and childcare getting to play with Nana and even coming to work a few days with Mommy. Her behavior began improving immediately and my cooperative, sweet child was returning.

Parker and I went to pick out a new backpack and hyped up her new school experience. The morning of her first day she wavered between not wanting to go and being excited. She told me she didn’t want to go because she can’t sleep, which is reasonable considering the chaos happening in her previous classroom. We talked about the fun she will have making new friends and all of the things to learn and grow smarter. By school time Parker marched in and joined her class without fear, and when I got to peak in the window later that morning she was smiling peacefully in a circle with her peers.

On her first day she even got to participate in the ballet class. After school, I asked her what she learned in dance class. Parker quickly reported “Had a good day Mommy.” I tried to reiterate I was asking for what she did and she again responded “Had a good day.” Stopping to give her my full attention and look at her directly I asked again. “Had a good day.” It sounded like she said… Then I realized her frustration at my not understanding. My little ballerina was telling me she learned a padebure.

Parker greets me with a smile everyday, she is taking naps, she is engaged with learning and she has not had an accident or tried to bite or pull hair since starting. It will continue to be an adjustment for both of us after spending the last three years together, now we are finally on the right track.

Jun 4 2013

Cooperation At Two

I often write about my daughter. About how funny, how brilliant, how inspirational and how fantastic it is to be her mom. Even though all these things are true, our days aren’t always filled with cotton candy, rainbows and sunshine, lovey-dovey happiness. Oh no, far from it. Parker is a product of my husband and I and shows for it with all the independent stubbornness capable of being supported in her two and a half-year old frame.

Today was one of those days where every direction, limitation and plea for cooperation was met with equal or greater opposition. If I said here, she went there. If I said up, she went down. And when I said no, she took it as a yes with a running head start. Battle after battle, talking it out followed by Parker’s apologies and eventual follow-through with requests. It seems on days like today I have to work twice as hard to maintain my patience and consistency to prove I’m not going to give in, hoping it will curb tomorrow’s behavior.

By the end of the day I was exhausted counting down the minutes until bed-time and still prepared for Parker’s next challenge. She had dumped out a large bag of foam blocks to play with and after a short while abandoned the blocks for crayons and paper. “Parker, you need to put the blocks away before coloring,” I instructed her.

She looked up at me with a Crazy Lady Leave Me Alone glare and said, “Mommy you not cooperating!”

Yes, exactly what I have been telling her all day.

May 21 2013

Options with Social Media

Social media has become an inspiring platform for communication. Sharing ideas, news, opinions, supportive words and all the random humor you never knew you needed. People who engage in social media whether it’s Facebook, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Twitter or blogging are instantly empowered to persuade others. The power in this is phenomenal, no more do we have to rely on mass media to report a story through their carefully prepared lens, when it’s being tweeted live or video footage streaming on YouTube. Of course discretion is necessary too, the cliché yet true statement of “you can’t believe everything you read on the internet,” is valid. People can use lies and deceit to influence others, we know this happens on and off the internet.

There are no limits to the tools social media can provide in advancing our society, improving awareness and protecting each other around the world. There are no limits, except the ones we put on ourselves and each other.

In the last few weeks I have noticed an increasing number of friends and family who have voiced complaints about what others have shared on mass media. “Oh my God, she posts so many baby pics it makes me sick.” “I can’t stand all of the religious crap people share, if I wanted to hear it I would go to church.” “I don’t get on Facebook for political arguments, I just want to catch up with family and friends.” And the statements could go on and on…

You have choices when it comes to social media, what are you going to do?

Suffer

We are confronted with things we are irritated by on a daily basis, you can let yourself suffer by what you read from your crazy conservative college buddy, or what your boyfriend’s cousin thinks of animal welfare? Suffering is always an option. You can stew about it, let it put you in a foul mood and begin to question humanity wondering for hours about how someone could be so ignorant. You might even try to influence their point of view by initiating an argument, which almost always reinforces the person’s initial perspective and puts them in a position to like you less.

Change It

If what someone says is bothersome to you, what you see is repulsive or the information conflicts with every ounce of your ethics maybe it’s time to take measures to spare your sanity.

Cut ties. Maybe it’s time to disassociate from some connections you have on social media. It’s not necessary to continue to maintain online relationships with every individual you have ever met. It’s acceptable to detach from your friend’s ex-girlfriend, the guy from high school you didn’t really like then either, or the co-worker who was laid off three years ago.
Block it. If there are some people you want to maintain connection to online and can’t get over what they have to share, consider blocking their posts. This can be especially helpful for the friend you are close to who is always negative about everything, over sharing their personal life or constantly reporting daily physical ailments you know is more related to them being a negative person than to real illness.
Influence opinions. Instigating an argument is easy to do online, people can be openly vicious and cruel without fear of bodily harm. However, no one is likely to respond positively and be persuaded to accept another view with “You’re wrong moron.” If you really desire to change someone’s perspective and help them to grow to another point of view, the best means to influencing change is through validation. Finding whatever may be true in their statement and letting them know you heard/saw/understand their perspective. “It would be scary to have a three-headed monster living next door thinking they are cannibals.(validation) Did you know 99% of three-headed monsters are vegetarian and the other 1% only eat glow worms.(influencing change)”

Acceptance

The final option you have when it comes to coping with social media posts is to accept you cannot control how other people think, what is important to them and how they want to share their opinions. If you don’t like what someone has to say, keep scrolling.

And if there are posts you are seeing which are upsetting to you, it could mean you need to do some self exploration. Find out what is upsetting about it, why are you bothered and is there knowledge you need to gain to settle the discomfort. In some instances, suffering leads to knowledge, activism and social change necessary to improve our world. Would Martin Luther King Jr. or Mother Teresa be posting pictures of kittens if they were alive today?

May 6 2013

Buddha Boots

In third grade I had the distinct realization my family was not like others. Obviously a little slow in my childhood, or just too busy with Barbies and baby dolls to notice, I finally had the clarity to understand how different my family was from my friends’. We did not go to church on Sundays and we ate a vegetarian diet. In that devastated moment I questioned why my parents would be sabotaging my chances at leading a normal existence. I can imagine my mom reassuring me in her usual calm and undisturbed manner, suggesting I can go to church if I choose and I can eat meat if I choose too. And so I did. I tried tasting meat and I attended Sunday school with friends a few times before deciding I wasn’t really missing much with either.

Into adulthood the urge to eat meat never reappeared and the desire to find religion, well that never presented itself either, except I am at a firm disadvantage when biblical trivia comes up in games or television trivia. Despite my lack of time spent in places of worship, my life was not absent of spiritual teachings. And as I learned more about religions in general, I found ideas based in the Buddhist traditions paralleled my own thoughts the most.

Still not identifying with any specific religion I decided to take a Basics of Buddhism class to learn about Buddhism, practice meditation and give mommy some required weekly time out each week.

Part of week three’s lesson covered the Four Nobel Truths relating to dissatisfaction and suffering. The Nobel Truths recognize how all beings desire happiness and peace even though the nature of the world is impermanent. In other words, what makes us happy and secure in this moment could be very different in the next moment since life is ever-changing. The Nobel Truths explain if you can recognize your attachment, delusion or craving for what is not present in your life you can relieve yourself from the suffering associated with it. Our thoughts revolving the attachment can perpetuate a negative emotion and the opposite is true by letting go of the attachment.

This principle can be applied to anything which causes suffering and it could be extremely useful if one could be effective at using it for major situations. Imagine if you could just let go of the attachment to a home following a foreclosure, a spouse following a divorce, or a loved one following a death. Imagine skipping out on the grief, despair and anger to move towards acceptance of what is present instead of what is missing.

Amazing, in concept, to have the power within my own mind to escape suffering. I’m not going to even pretend, after a few weeks of beginning to learn about Buddhism, that I could incarnate the patience and understanding of a Buddhist monk in the moment of crisis. I’m sure I would completely lose sight of these lessons and appear completely irrational should a tragedy occur in this moment, however, I have already had some real life application of this teaching.

Two days after my lesson on the Four Nobel Truths I was struck my the necessity to implement this strategy and acknowledge I was causing my own suffering. As so much of my learning is associated with my toddler these days she was also the target of this scenario. We had been shopping at a kids consignment sale, and with limited two-year old patience we managed to pick out a few toys and avoid the coveted riding toy area before we had to make it through the line to check out. The checkout line happened to be situated next to the long table of shoes. I’m usually not one to be interested in previously worn shoes and since my daughter’s Nana can’t leave a store without buying her a pair I hardly ever even browse. Except these red leather cowgirl boots caught my eye and I immediately envisioned these being beloved shoes she would want to wear with every outfit. I could picture red boots over leggings or with a jean skirt and a white t-shirt. She would be stylish and ready to hop on a horse at any moment. Excited by my finding I showed them to Parker and even offered her the choice in colors, and was thrilled when she agreed with the red.

When we got home I couldn’t wait to try them on, to watch the magic and celebrate our consignment sale find. The boots slid on easily and about as quickly as they were on she shook her legs to kick them back off. Without an explanation, she decided she would not wear them. It seemed the harder I urged, the frequency I requested and the more creative I tried to trick her into the boots only made her increase the stubbornness against it. After much frustration and disappointment I remembered the ideas of the Four Nobel Truths and recognized I was creating my own suffering by holding onto my attachment of the red boots.

We can spend a lot of energy being frustrated by things not going as planned, by failure or changes to our vision. And in some cases, if we really decide we don’t want to be unhappy, we can be mindful of what’s causing the suffering and let go of how we thought things should be. I let go of the red boots, I acknowledged my ideas of how adorable they would be weren’t worth the misery I was feeling with my toddler creating her own vision. I finally gave up on the boots and formulated the connection to the Buddhist teachings with this plan to write about it. When I set up the boots to take a picture, Parker suddenly regained interest. She pulled them from my picture set-up, sat down and pulled each onto their respective foot. I snapped a few pictures while she stomped and wiggled, then within minutes they were kicked back off again. After the little tease it was easier for me to remind myself to let go of the attachment – these little red boots were only meant to be a Buddha Boot lesson for me.

Apr 18 2013

Hits & Misses

Spending all day with my sweet little girl it’s impossible to give her undivided attention all the time. It would be lovely to just get to play nanny and focus only on her, unfortunately I have to play housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, and house manager cohesively. This conflict of roles lends it’s self to many hits and misses as far as connections we get to have as mother and daughter thoughout the day.

We both have times when we deny each other’s affections, when the opposite is fulfilled by a task. Like this morning while she ate her breakfast I began preparing a crafting collage until she finished eating and promptly decided she needed to be sitting in my lap. I held her off with distractions in her own chair as long as I could and somehow she ended up crawling her way back into my lap, blinding my efforts with scissors and paper with her curly brown locks. Eventually I gave in and assumed the project would have to wait. We pulled down the Play-Doh for her to roll and press shapes, this time it was her brushing mommy’s affection. It’s just so hard for me to resist her enthusiastic smile and positive energy, I want to swoop in to her kissable cheeks and savor the moment. And as if she suddenly incarnates a “too cool for parents” teenaged attitude her shoulder comes up to block her cheek – too busy for a kiss right now.

Those moments of craving attention are frequently coorelated with times of being tired or hungry, and when this is the case there is lot of whining involved. My response to the whining is encouragement for her to use her words, and when that doesn’t seem to make an impact I tell her I think she might be tired and needing a nap. This technique usually works since naps are the enemy and she would never volunteer herself for one. Except since this has been my response to her whining, she has begun beating me to the punch. She informs me: “I’m going to take a nap,” when I have repeatidly told her I can’t hold her while I am cooking. She doesn’t actually take a nap though, she just leaves for a minute and usually brings back a toy from her room.

I have to learn to not be hard on myself about the misses. I can’t entertain, hold, clean and fix everything for her and I have to be okay with her being upset about that sometimes. It makes it easier to accept the rough parts of the days when there are so many hits of the days to look back on and appreciate.

The mornings we stay extra long in bed pulling the covers over our heads to play with a flashlight. Dancing in our living room for hours on end stomping, twirling and shaking with laughter and songs. And closing each day with reading books, snuggles and kisses. There are so many moments when it’s just me and Parker, when I am completely present with her. In those moments she heals me from the chaos of life, problems in the world and the grown up worries which consume my mind most other waking hours of the day. For now though, I had better go finish my collage while she takes her nap.

Under The Covers

Mar 24 2013

Time to Take a Stand

Political crap you don’t want to read about, right? Just hear me out. Avoidance develops ignorance and reflects as tolerance.

Guantanamo Bay is not a place I think about on a regular basis, as I am sure most American’s can relate. I know it was constructed to detain terrorists and protect the world from their lethal plots. I know there has been controversy surrounding who is actually being held there and how they are being treated. I know, and still Guantanamo Bay is not in my mind. The individuals residing there for over ten years have no face, no name and no presence in my life.

Until the other day I was struck by a news story on the radio about a hunger strike taking place at Guantanamo Bay. The story was brief, explaining several dozen prisoners had chosen to withhold eating starting back in February as a means to draw attention to the fact they have been held without trial for eleven years. Immediately it reminded me of hearing cases of men who had been farmers, cooks and drivers with nothing to do with acts of terrorism who had been sent to Guantanamo Bay. HELD WITHOUT TRIAL FOR ELEVEN YEARS. The news story reflected the government’s position as downplaying the severity of the hunger strike despite admitting eight inmates had been placed on feeding tubes due to their declining health.

I researched more on the situation going on at Guantanamo Bay and was saddened to find there weren’t many news sources reporting on it. What I was able to discover is of the 166 prisoners the majority have been participating in the hunger strike, most of them have not been tried (85 prisoners there today have been cleared for release since December 2011), and over 80% of the prisoners had not been captured by the U.S. military in combat. Of the 779 detainees brought to Guantanamo 80+% had been turned in by Pakistanis and Afghans in exchange for a $5,000 bounty provided by none other than your United States government. This means no proof, no evidence, just one man’s word over another who was in the wrong place and the wrong time to be turned in as a terrorist. My stance is not all prisoner’s at Guantanamo Bay are innocent, there are likely some who have bad intentions and justifiably should be punished. However, for those who have been captured, interrogated, locked up and not allowed an opportunity to return to their homes – it’s sickening. And this is without even mentioning the reports of beating, torture, abuse and humiliation which the U.S. denies despite claims be substantiated by other investigative agencies. This has been an eleven year nightmare I have turned a blind eye to, demonstrating tolerance in allowing this to continue.

A hunger strike by the detainees represents a means to an end of the suffering. An effort to draw attention to the injustice of criminalizing innocent people we have accepted as part of the conditions of being at war or to die and slow and miserable death by starvation. It is tragic the American people have not been offered the honest facts happening at Guantanamo. Or is it more related to our judgement and fear related to terrorism which is publicized and overshadows the terror our military has imposed on others? In either case, this has to end.

We have more to fear in the United States about violent acts of crime committed by other desperate Americans. Americans cope with poor education, sexual and physical abuse, lack of proper medical care, astronomical rates of mental illness, addictions and the inability to sustain themselves financially. We are constantly faced with situations to condition fear, anger and hatred of others. The terror is happening at home with Americans in conflict with each other, yet trillions of our tax dollars have been spent overseas to fight a war with no end in sight and to imprison innocent men at Guantanamo Bay. Our American troops are terrorized too, their lives and their families lives are forever impacted by the missions they have been ordered to carry out. Soldiers are returning home carrying the stress of fear and guilt, causing depression, addiction, violence and suicide. We are more at risk of an act of violence by an American then by an “act of terrorism” from overseas.

I’d like my tax dollars to focus on making America safe by providing for the next generation to learn to love, ensuring everyone has a proper standard of living, education is a priority, healthcare is affordable and social services are easily accessible for those who need it. Enough is enough, it’s time to take a stand.

If you agree and want to take a stand with me, please share, voice what you know to others especially when you hear someone making judgments without the proper facts. Silence is acceptance of the status quo, please don’t accept the crimes against humanity happening for the last eleven years. It’s time to release them from their suffering and to bring our tax dollars home.

Feb 13 2013

Drinking the Kool-Aid

Some memories stand out as critical turning points in one’s life. In my life I can remember a significant time period of discovery and learning and it was the impressionable late adolescence/early teen years when I, for good or bad, faced lessons in trust. This is an awkward stage in life for most, the values provided from home compete with the necessity to be cool in school and on the social scene. At the time I don’t think I had much thought about what I believed to be right for how to behave, I was caught in the drama of keeping up and nothing else mattered.

Keeping up in middle school meant talking about friends behind their backs, ironically to try to prevent others from talking about me behind my back. There was a lot of best friends who didn’t speak for weeks and would be reunited again by someone else’s falling out later. It was a constant need to confide ugliness in others and repeating shock and devastation when the confidant divulged the secrets. Like a dog chasing it’s tail and gets hurt when she finally reaches it. This cycle of manipulation was vicious and isolating at that age.

By eighth grade I was well conditioned as a mean girl. I had a core group of friends who had withstood rips and tears into our relationships, and one friend of the group I shared the closest bond with. Beth and I had met the previous year and quickly grew tight, by 8th grade we had given up passing cleverly folded notes between class and began passing a notebook. (If only our notebook was staring Ryan Gosling this story could be so much more attractive.) Our notebook contained our diary of events, doodles, gossip and trash talk. We wrote during class, in the halls and even at home to each other. I drew a lot of pictures; cartoons mocking peers in my class, funny characters and my own imitation of my teacher as her alma mater mascot a razorback. We made jokes about our teachers – how they looked, what they taught and how they spent their free time. We shared middle school news of who was “going out” and our own crushes. And we talked even more personally about things happening outside of school and with our own families.

One morning Beth and I were in a class together sitting at separate tables, I could see she was writing to me when the razorback approached her and asked for the notebook. Attempting to be a reasonable 13-year-old, I respectfully went to the teacher’s desk and communicated an apology for not staying focused, understanding the need to be punished and how important it is for the notebook to stay private. I turned to go back to my seat and by the time I sat and turned to face the teacher’s desk the notebook was open in front of her. My mind raced to consider all the hateful things which had erupted from my adolescent head to my sloppy pen. I was enraged at the teacher for disrespecting me and my friend. Even more, the razorback took our notebook to the other teachers to encourage them to read our messages. When my mom, school social worker and principal all were involved the razorback pleaded to keep the notebook until after lunch. She was obviously very entertained by what we had to say, maybe she wanted to make photocopies?

On to high school only a few months later, friendships continued to evolve and my difficulty with trust remained. Except after the incident with the notebook I also became weary of trusting authority figures. Instead of making the naive assumption school faculty were there to help all students, I became increasingly aware of hidden agendas, personal priorities and governing rules which directed what happened in the classrooms. I tried to be polite in school and still I wasn’t afraid to call bullshit when I felt it necessary or lie to avoid trouble later. In high school I withdrew from joining activities, didn’t socialize much and put just enough work in to graduate and get into college. I didn’t make the connection about who I was becoming and why until years later when a college class required me to make a timeline of major life events and that 8th grade day came to mind as significant.

The realization of how the teacher violated my trust in her authority carried on to all authority figures, my eyes were wide open to understand the deeper meaning and not take for granted what I was told. This served me well in many areas of my life, to speak up for what I felt was right despite the popular opinion. To question for the facts and find what is missing from the explanation. And to advocate for individuals who don’t have the skills to speak for themselves. Over the years I have learned to differentiate discussions worth being had and battles worth fighting for. When I worked for state mental health it only took me a little over two years to realize there were too many illogical battles for me to take on and I couldn’t numb my ethics enough to continue to be a part of the system.

The other day I heard a remark my uncle said to my mom regarding me “drinking the kool-aid.” I respect my uncle greatly, I know that he loves me and appreciates who I am and not just because I am his first niece. My uncle and I have a wonderful relationship despite having very diverse images of the world, politics and religion. And I suppose the mere fact I would question major national events and the government’s involvement puts me in the category of loosing my marbles in my uncle’s mind. It would be absolutely impossible to imagine, given our government’s perfect tracked record of honest behavior, national situations which have happened in my lifetime could be reported to the public wrong. Because in my lifetime, I have already learned when there are hidden agendas, personal priorities and higher controls which dictate what happens. This is often not in sync with what is right, what is fair or what is true. When you consider the perspective of what one stands to gain and lose from the truth; power, control and profit. These are not the motives for truth seekers who question facts contrasting public perceptions. Those individuals deal with ostrification from family, friends and the majority of society. Valid questions go unanswered and most people continue on with their days unaware of what lies are making impressions on our lives.

Two of my uncles, my mom’s brothers

So yes, if you must look at it this way. I have been drinking the kool-aid, and I like it. Funny thing is, back in the 70’s my uncle appeared to be the guy mixing the kool-aid. I imagined him being the kid who always questioned authority and challenged what he was told in a puff of jolly green smoke. Makes me wonder if he had a similar yet opposite defining moment in his life. Perhaps a major governing official came to my uncle’s rescue, provided him safety and security in a way he never knew before. Maybe my uncle was reassured in his faith for authority figures and he learned to listen, obey and not question the facts which don’t correlate with the story.

This blog is where I focus on living inspired, finding appreciation for the ordinary and being aware of people, places and events which have shaped who I am. There is purpose in every experience, good or bad. The lesson I learned back in eighth grade helped program me to be aware. I can’t change everything I see wrong with the world, right now I can be at peace with really seeing what’s happening.

Inspired Living KC

Inspiration can come from everywhere, you just have to slow down and notice it..

Tag Archives: frustration